I know I could have just sent a text once I got off the subway, but I wanted to write a little note instead. You left your laundry card jammed in a tube sock again, silly goose! You’re so funny when you hide things from me. But seriously. Knock that shit off ;)
Anyway, not sure if you remembered that today is our 2 year anniversary of being together. I didn’t put it in your Google Cal because I was hoping you’d remember. And last year we didn’t really get to celebrate because my phone fell out of my pocket on the street and got stolen and taken to the Bronx Zoo. Remember that, Babe! We have fun, don’t we!
I guess you did give me a gift of sorts today. Bleeding heels and a nice blister. That’s what I get for wearing these new fancy sneakers without socks, huh Babe! I think you were trying to be funny. A little #TBT to when we first started dating and all the shoes I brought to the city were trashed within the first week. Then I got smart and bought a pair of ~white!~ Nikes. They’ve stood the test of our relationship, but I was ready for something new, you know?
See that’s kind of why I’m writing this letter.
Hey, don’t jump to conclusions, Babe! I’m not breaking up with you, oh God no!
I just, um, need a little break.
Call it a vacation if that helps. I mean technically it’s for work. And also pleasure. But trust me when I say distance will indeed make the heart grow fonder!
Babe, don’t worry, OK. I’ll only be a Facetime away.
But before I go, I just wanted to remind you of all the beautiful and crazy times we’ve had these past two years together. Life-changing and formative, maybe a little insane at times. And definitely unforgettable. I hope these memories can soothe your worries while I’m away…
In no particular order:
Sneaking into a VIP tent at OzyFest with Mary, seeing Passion Pit in the best seats in the house, and coming home with bags full of beer and wine spritzers
Walking into Buzzfeed, asking for “Dan” and promptly being told to leave the premises
Getting drunk on a rotating couch carousel with Vanessa on Cinco de Mayo
Long runs to Prospect Park
Writing a blog about how to winterize pipes and getting paid $20
Wandering Greenwich Village my first week with you, sweating through my white blouse, drying it out with the hand dryer in the bathroom, and trying to find a company I had an interview with which, according to the doorman, “didn’t exist”
Getting punched in the face on the 2 multiple times at 1 AM while 15 people watched and did nothing
Tap Dance Festivals with K-Dog
Reading old letters from my students and missing them
Building an IKEA bed and nearly losing a finger with a power tool
Losing lots of headphones, sunglasses, and hair ties
Falling down a flight of stairs wearing heels for the first and last time
Reading the email that my book was getting published at Grand Army Plaza and bursting into ugly tears
Taking my first UCB Intensive in the summer of 2015 before we got together
Crying looking a the seals at the Central Park Zoo when I was going through a breakup
Doing my first stand up set in NYC that summer and being called a “headliner” which actually just meant I was the last name to get called out of a bucket
Dreaming about you sometimes while I was in a windowless classroom getting heckled by teenagers
Getting booked on my first comedy show at Broadway Comedy Club
Starting a podcast shortly after learning what a podcast was
Going to Carnegie Hall with Jill Bolte Taylor
Dad getting cancer in his mouth and then getting it taken out safely
Losing my cellphone then learning that it was stolen and taken to the Bronx Zoo
Long runs to Domino Park (and our weekly Puppy and croissant visits!)
Getting spit on (last week) by an angry man in Brooklyn
Starting an awesome community of brain injury survivors with people I now consider my closest friends
Bingeing Outlander with Mom back in Colorado
Whoring out all my friends to come to my bringer shows
Working for a cool science rapper
Moving to Flatbush in Ubers
Sharing prosciutto with Bill Nye the Science Guy
Being crippled by anxiety and crying while making Vegan tacos
Writing a TV pilot
Going on a shake diet for 30 days
“Brain Buddy” calls
Getting catcalled on the way to the Women’s March
Emptying my bank account after buying new glasses
Buying my “New York backpack” with Mom at the mall before moving which turned from white to brown within six months
Talking to “Park Jesus” a.k.a. Sugar Ray Leonard at Prospect Park
Crying in WeWork cubbies my first few months with you during my internship every single day
Having my face held by a doctor and told I didn’t have double vision
Moving into a commune in Brooklyn and becoming the House Mom
Interviewing for promising jobs and getting none of them
Discovering FreshDirect and FoodKick
Spending my 401-K (or at least what I’d been able to acquire in 2 years)
Losing my healthcare
Getting accepted to perform a one-woman show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Trying to get cast in an alcohol commercial set to tape in the Bahamas and failing
José the Cab Driver buying me a slice of pizza after breaking up with a guy at JFK
Surprising Mom and Dad when I came to Denver for a TEDxMileHigh audition
Driving a Uhaul through Brooklyn (twice) and hitting a parked van (once)
Summertime Adventures with Gage, Lafe, and Henry
Discovering Smorgasburg for the first and not the last time
Watching The Handmaid’s Tale
Discovering Almond Croissants
Gazing up at the Rockefeller Christmas tree after getting laid off right before the holidays
The Catskills that one time
Watching Game of Thrones Finale with Mary
First keynote at Brain Injury Alliance of Colorado
Reckless Theater Improv shows before it was canceled
Going to Ellis Island with a boy scout troupe and K-Dog
Signing my first author contract in the kitchen of the commune
Getting friend-dumped by several friends via snail mail, in person, and ghosting my podcast
Free Yoga classes
Meeting Josh Groban (and proceeding to get punched in the face)
TED Talk submissions
Sitting in a Burger King in Brooklyn, calling every friend I knew until one picked up so that I could weep uncontrollably
Learning that my best friend was pregnant while roped to a charger behind a trashcan in a Starbucks in Midtown
Going home for the holidays
Live podcast recordings at science museums and contests
Being on TV a couple of times
Moving my books from the bottom self to the best-seller table at every Barnes and Noble
Buying a floor-length parka after weeping in the street during our first winter
Teaching a group of adults how to do stand up comedy for the first time
Getting my tongue impaled by the only dentist I could afford
Bringing tea bags into coffee shops and asking for hot water
Going on a date to a Rite-Aid on Valentine’s Day with a weirdo
Selling out all my books at a Barnes and Noble in Salt Lake City and playing with Lexi’s kitty
Befriending a pair of adorable Chileans while they were on vacation
Getting ghosted by my personal trainer
Watching my friends pass out on my kitchen floor from exhaustion after their first visit
Sunsets on the Brooklyn Bridge
Losing an audio recording interview with 4X best-selling author Sam Kean…then getting it back 48 hours later
Buying Dr. Scholl’s inserts for all my shoes.
Meeting Jim Gaffigan and personally handing him a signed copy of my book
Working at a Matcha tea place for like 2 months then getting fired for being on my laptop when there were no customers around
Trying to see fireworks on July 4th and getting stuck in a mob of one million sweaty people instead
Apartment hunting with Joy and Simone in Brooklyn
Being overloaded by stimuli every single day
Sneaking in a full bag of rosé to The Head and The Heart concert, getting lost in Queens, and crying in an Uber Pool with Mary
Blowing the roof off my book launch party a.k.a. Mimi’s Brain Carnival Extravaganza
Shooting a music video and successfully running a light and sound board at an off-Broadway theater
Sprinting for the LIRR and missing it by literally five seconds multiple times
Wineries by myself in Long Island
Going on anti-depressants
Running two half marathons
Going on a handful of awful Tinder dates and calling it quits entirely
Meeting Emilia Clarke in a hallway
Cutting my own bangs
Being a finalist at the Werk It Women’s Podcasting Festival
Almost getting investigated by child protective services after picking up a stupid roommate in the ER and being suspected of running a drug ring
Having my Blue Apron boxes stolen off my porch
Getting my first author check for $750 dollars
Clubbing with roommates and dancing like a weirdo and getting zero free drinks
Wasting weeks of my life stuck underground in subway delays
Raising approximately $4,500 from friends and family for my book launch and Fringe Kickstarter
Which leads me to…
Having food poisoning from Chipotle Tofu (today)
I know I’m probably missing a lot, but these were some of the moments that jumped out at me like the Pizza Rats on the subway. They stick to my memory like the gum sticks to my shoes.
It’s been a fucking wild ride, Babe.
And I’m in it for as long as the arches of my feet can stand walking 10,000 steps a day.
I can’t say for sure how long that will be, my love, but just know that you have made me who I am today: A person so lively and unafraid of chasing her dreams it sometimes scares me. And maybe that’s why you challenge me sometimes. Maybe that’s why you push my buttons and put the hardest possible paths before me.
You’re trying to see how long I’ll fight.
Well, buckle up, Babe. It’s gonna be a long ride.
I’ll send a post card when I reach Scotland!