Oh boi. Here we go.

Oh boi. Here we go.

“If you don’t have the nose, be sure to let me know before the tes –“
“I think I meant to say ‘notes,’ but if you don’t have a nose you should also come talk to me…”

At this point in the conversation I began to laugh hysterically at myself as my students looked on with worried faces.

Yes, it’s that time of year. And yes, we’re all feeling it pretty hard.

Students everywhere are finding themselves hitting the books like coked out squirrels, teachers haven’t slept since July, and we’re all scraping the bottom of the coffee barrel and our wallets too. Making finals, taking finals, grading deadlines, and the entire year’s regret start tallying up like Santa’s naughty and nice list.

It’s enough to make your dreidel spin.

Whether you’re a teacher, a student, a barista, or a student in the teacher program who is also a barista on the weekends, here are some tips and tricks to make it through the coming days:

  1. Wear a pair of shoes that is one size too big. It creates an optical illusion that you are taller than you actually are. It’s a known truth that taller people earn more on average than shorter people. According to a study published by the Economic Record: ”Taller people are  perceived to be more intelligent and powerful. So why not try it out for size and boost your confidence for a day during finals? See what I did there? 

  2. Show your students a video of you impersonating the other Social Studies teachers during a meeting. It’s an irrefutable fact that laughter can de-stress and relax you and others around you. If you don’t think impersonating your coworkers will work in your favor, impersonate yourself. That shit’s hilarious.
  3. Go to Target and buy the following items: Pop Tarts, Instant Mac and Cheese, Lunch-ables, and some form of cheese puff product.

  4. Eat said items and procrastinate/ lament grading for several hours.
  5. This. Don’t ask questions. Just trust me.

  6. Light a candle, you cave person. They smell like fresh laundry and remind us that we too once had hopes and dreams.
  7. When you finally get around to grading, smack your head on the nearest hard surface while reading an essay plagiarized directly from a video you showed in class.
  8. Continue to slam head in wall at how many times you warned this student to STOP PLAGIARIZING OH MY FUCKING GOD.
  9. Question the likelihood that you will get fired if you fail 99% of your students.
  10. Decide you kinda don’t give a fuck.
  11. Reconsider that you do kinda give a little fuck and brainstorm ways to get more students to pass your class in the next four days’ time.
  12. Realize that this is impossible and go to your nearest liquor store and pick out all the wines.

  13. Especially that fruity one that tastes like juice.
  14. Think about bringing the fancy fruity juice into work tomorrow.
  15. Reconsider again.
  16. Eat a Pop Tart.
  17. Wise up and try to cook a veggie burger or some other stupid healthy recipe you saw on Pinterest one time.

  18. Laugh at yourself.
  19. Throw away the piece of cardboard that you just tried to ingest.
  20. Open up the freezer and grab the ice cream instead.
  21. Regret the fact that you didn’t get more grading done but not the ice cream.
  22. Reconsider your regret because it’s not your fault kids don’t care about their grade until THIS VERY FUCKING SECOND.
  23. Do that deep breathing thing but give up after 30 seconds because you look ridiculous.
  24. Go to bed.

Take courage, dear teachers. Take courage. Oh and students? Yeah, if you could get that essay in to me like last October? That'd be great. And yes, it's all multiple choice.

You're welcome.